autism, communication

Don’t tell me feeling

don’t tell me what I feel. I had someone tell me I am happy. I not be happy very long time. I not like be tell what I not. You not know what in my head. I not face expression like person think.

other day I get hurt bad. When people hurt be cry or something show face people know is hurting. I was hurt be laugh and laugh. I not do same people not know I bad can’t show face expression.

sometimes be ask how you feeling. I hate hate this question. I don’t know what feeling most time. When feeling something is big strong feel. I not know happy sad what is? I don’t understand. It hard I not even know what thirsty hungry feel like.

I know what things make body doing this different what people say feeling is. I feel flappy win archery. I feel rocking when not like someone.

I not like be ask feeling. I hate be tell what I feel. I is me only I know me and what feel.

Disability

Six

six. Six is a number I know. It’s the number you tell people I am in my head.
mentally six year old. What does that mean? How do you know what anyone is in their head?
it’s a number. You use it to say I can’t do this I can’t understand that I’ll never want sex. You think I be six forever.
I like what you think only for child. Why? Why everything only this old?
I can’t understand math or read and write but I never forget six.
I’m not six. I not been six for long time. I 41. I be 41 in my head. I live 41. even when I can’t read and write even when I can’t understand number even when I play toy you say childish I’m 41. you not know my head. You not know what I think.
you say mentally six then take my right to choose. I choose where live I choose who to love I choose what my life and you say no they can’t. You say they can’t understand this. Not communicate can’t do. You wrong.
even six year old can tell you choice. Even nonverbal can show you.
stop say mental age. It wrong. Person age is the age no head age. Six is six forty is forty eighty is eighty twenty is twenty. Lived twenty year is twenty year in everyway.
I my age not six. I have want and desire and can adult relationship.
treat like am age. Give way communicate. Listen with you eyes. Accommodate different need.
I not six. I 41 and need you explain different way. Understand different. Never child.
learn different learn slow and that ok. Don’t take my choice because you can’t understand how help me know.
six. Six is not my number.

autism, communication

Stop and Listen

Stop and Listen.

people say nonverbal autistic not communicate.
Do I not exist?
I am here.
Will you hear me?
I think you not want hear me.
You not like be challenge your limited beliefs.
communication for me is slow.
I speak my ways.
I not like words.
You only listen speak mouth words.
There more ways to talk.
Stop being rude.
Stop yelling what you not understand.
I speak for me.
you try say words for me then be mad tell you not speak for me.
who the rude one here?
not the autistic people.
You who think know everything but not listen.
I am here.
I am tired of you.

Social

today

today is birthday

it lonely

people celebrate thing I never had

many say autistic not care this things

.

some don’t

I care

it matter because never have

because something special to other people but I not know why

how can understand something never have if not explain

.

very few remember birthday

few that remember be nice not upset talk about too much

it just another day

.

other day was four years since have stroke

four year ago was in hospital

if not covid I be hospital now

.

everything hard

I alone

I not understood

I sad and tired

.

all want is see my love

be in arms again

sleep next to

.

nothing feel safe