autism

Memories

JaysWorld

memories
you told me to stay still so I held it tight and it hurt
my body stayed not moving like a rock hard and stiff
I couldn’t understand anything anymore
you wanted me to keep listening to what you were saying but I couldn’t
all my energy going into being still so I wouldn’t get hurt again
you didn’t understand that I couldn’t do both
I can only understand while I can stim and you hated me doing anything that looked bad on you
you wanted everything to look perfect
but I’m not perfect I can’t be perfect because the world is too much and everything is too loud and I need to get away and I need to scream and I can’t stop
I can’t make myself be still
it crawls under my skin and it moves inside me pushing and pushing to get out and it breaks yelling out of me
you didn’t want me you wanted somebody I couldn’t ever be

don’t make me be still don’t make me something different
let me be and know me as I am
I can understand if you leave me to move and communicate my way
I’m right here hear me my way

J

written with Unity 144

autism

Shutdown

JaysWorld

everyone talk about meltdown
everyone doesn’t see opposite one
think if still quiet is still good
still is not good me still is bad
I move lot happy I still when bad
you stop scream and hit
you don’t stop quiet
quiet is lonely
quiet is too much
quiet is make tired
people need understand more about shutdown

Disability

i hear you

JaysWorld

you think i don’t know

i hear

i see

you want dead me

you want me not born

you say can’t be if can communicate online

you say autistic don’t speak for you child cause not one of those

those use diaper, those hit themselves, those need help communicate

im one those, i don’t speak, i don’t understand lot without help

i see, i hear, you speak loud

you hate me, you want dead

i know

you don’t understand

i matter, i am loved, i am important, i deserve be here

i can be online with tools, tools you don’t want give, tools no one give then too old

i can learn, i am slow still learn, slow, sure, i can speak

my way, my rythm, i making sound

i speaking loud, you don’t want hear, you don’t want listen

you speak different language, this is mine

come hear me, i don’t want hear you anymore

Disability

Start

JaysWorld

your goal make eye contact not for me

your goal stop move (stimming)not for me

your goal talk not for me

your goal make normal not for me

i hear not look at you, don’t need make you comfortable

i learn when move, don’t need make you comfortable

i talk lots way, don’t need make sound make you comfortable

i different still be friend, don’t need make you comfortable

your rules not me, let bee me not you want bee

i different, i disabled, i worth

J