Disability

trust

Content Warning – Talk of abuse

I live in a world where I’m expected to trust everyone. I have to have support workers in my home and therapists and more. I don’t get to have a home like other people. privacy not something I get the privilege to having.

all this people is strangers for I and I expected to trust with nothing for I see can be trust.

this not ok to me. I huge abuse all life. I not trust many. I not going trust people not know long times. Sometimes care do bad things and I can’t like. I trust break once I never trust again. All time people show I going be use and take advantage of. I not understand many what people do.

care talk I like I baby. I hate it. I not baby.

need help do everything not matter. I adult talk I like adult. Not matter play toy. Not matter need formula drink. Not matter all help need. I still always adult. I still person own think and feel. When talk I like I baby you saying I not equal. You saying I less. You saying you have power and control over I and take I right to choice and control I life.

you take and take and make I upset then make I meltdown then you say meltdown hurt self you can’t choice when you why meltdown. This not fair to anyone.

I communication get bad. Sometimes can’t communicate. You not see other way communicate. Only listen using word. Word not everything. Word your way not I way. You not see body and stim and different way then say not communicate. I say you not communicate. You only want you way.

you want I be trust then you do work see communicate change how talk I. Stop make I do many work make you comfortable. You be uncomfortable and communicate way understand for I. I tired push all time push push and be treat baby like not respect. Start respect I and do better.

I should be ability communicate way best I not best for you.

good night.

communication, Disability

Not say smart

sometimes people see my communication device and how well I use it and get excited about it. I don’t like that.

it great be positive about my way communicating but it make me uncomfortable when so big reaction.

I get nervous and then talk little. And sometimes they look at what I’m writing on my screen. Don’t do that. I will stop talking. If you not my safe person I won’t use device if been watched.

my communication device is my voice. It is a part of me. Just like you don’t touch wheelchair you don’t touch device. There private things on my device. It’s made and edited just for me and how I like and understand best. No one have communication device same as my words. Be make how they like their one best. That how talk faster.

when people look my screen make me freeze. I can’t communicate anymore and then feeling trapped and make big meltdown.

also I don’t like be say so smart because using device and sometimes I fast. I don’t say you so smart because you can use mouth words. Don’t tell me anything of smart or dumb. It not good say. You don’t know how hard work take learn or how long. This fast for me because try many many then find right one me use. If this your only voice you learn and make fast too.

people value not in how intellect have. It not good this anyway. Not matter everyone valuable just be person alive. When say you smart take away how long and hard many working just be same. I’m not smart I work hard learning and many many meltdown frustrate when can’t understand what mean. A lot help need for stay alive. I not able anything no care help.

better tell about what did and how much work do not say so smart. Don’t do that make chest hurt.

good night

Disability

Six

six. Six is a number I know. It’s the number you tell people I am in my head.
mentally six year old. What does that mean? How do you know what anyone is in their head?
it’s a number. You use it to say I can’t do this I can’t understand that I’ll never want sex. You think I be six forever.
I like what you think only for child. Why? Why everything only this old?
I can’t understand math or read and write but I never forget six.
I’m not six. I not been six for long time. I 41. I be 41 in my head. I live 41. even when I can’t read and write even when I can’t understand number even when I play toy you say childish I’m 41. you not know my head. You not know what I think.
you say mentally six then take my right to choose. I choose where live I choose who to love I choose what my life and you say no they can’t. You say they can’t understand this. Not communicate can’t do. You wrong.
even six year old can tell you choice. Even nonverbal can show you.
stop say mental age. It wrong. Person age is the age no head age. Six is six forty is forty eighty is eighty twenty is twenty. Lived twenty year is twenty year in everyway.
I my age not six. I have want and desire and can adult relationship.
treat like am age. Give way communicate. Listen with you eyes. Accommodate different need.
I not six. I 41 and need you explain different way. Understand different. Never child.
learn different learn slow and that ok. Don’t take my choice because you can’t understand how help me know.
six. Six is not my number.

autism, communication

Stop and Listen

Stop and Listen.

people say nonverbal autistic not communicate.
Do I not exist?
I am here.
Will you hear me?
I think you not want hear me.
You not like be challenge your limited beliefs.
communication for me is slow.
I speak my ways.
I not like words.
You only listen speak mouth words.
There more ways to talk.
Stop being rude.
Stop yelling what you not understand.
I speak for me.
you try say words for me then be mad tell you not speak for me.
who the rude one here?
not the autistic people.
You who think know everything but not listen.
I am here.
I am tired of you.

communication, Disability

Communication Device

I have a new communication device. 
it is red. 
it helps me say what’s in my head. 

I lived so long. 
I felt dead. 
nobody knew what I said. 

I’m not trapped. 
inside my mind. 
I can yell or be kind. 

the world has opened. 
I am free. 
my pictures words for you to see. 

stories blogs texts.
what I feel.
the world can know I am real.