Disability

trust

Content Warning – Talk of abuse

I live in a world where I’m expected to trust everyone. I have to have support workers in my home and therapists and more. I don’t get to have a home like other people. privacy not something I get the privilege to having.

all this people is strangers for I and I expected to trust with nothing for I see can be trust.

this not ok to me. I huge abuse all life. I not trust many. I not going trust people not know long times. Sometimes care do bad things and I can’t like. I trust break once I never trust again. All time people show I going be use and take advantage of. I not understand many what people do.

care talk I like I baby. I hate it. I not baby.

need help do everything not matter. I adult talk I like adult. Not matter play toy. Not matter need formula drink. Not matter all help need. I still always adult. I still person own think and feel. When talk I like I baby you saying I not equal. You saying I less. You saying you have power and control over I and take I right to choice and control I life.

you take and take and make I upset then make I meltdown then you say meltdown hurt self you can’t choice when you why meltdown. This not fair to anyone.

I communication get bad. Sometimes can’t communicate. You not see other way communicate. Only listen using word. Word not everything. Word your way not I way. You not see body and stim and different way then say not communicate. I say you not communicate. You only want you way.

you want I be trust then you do work see communicate change how talk I. Stop make I do many work make you comfortable. You be uncomfortable and communicate way understand for I. I tired push all time push push and be treat baby like not respect. Start respect I and do better.

I should be ability communicate way best I not best for you.

good night.

communication, Disability, Social

questions

Content warning : talk of abuse

09/11/20 3:44PM

hello. I get question sometimes people ask. I be answer some when I can. I still learning words on communication device everyday learn new but take many repeat to know them.

sometimes I write these blog post and people think I talking about them. When I write something it because happen many time me and remember from many many time. I can be hurt once and nobody know because take long long time be say.

if you think I write about you what you doing so bad I write it? not have wrote about my partners on this because not like private be take.

so ask you why think I do about you? And if worry I say about you what you doing so bad to me?

some have ask name the cult I was in that taken me and name tribe was take from. I not going answer that it put me in dangerous if people stranger knowing. I have stay safe. Don’t do this asking me about that. It rude ask and same rude ask about what happen to person. Talk my trauma when I ready and I have picture word to say it.

I not have word many thing still. My language is little and slow and learn more and more when can.

autism, Disability

Autistics Speaking

Content Warning – Talk of abuse

I be ask why I believe should have all autistic voice hear.

I can only tell about me.

I be autistic all life but I not know word autism until I twenty-five years old. I was not tell my disability all life. I taken to have diagnosis twenty-five for document get payment and legal guardian. I be tell then something bad my brain and that bad is call autism. That why I different to everybody. Be tell nothing can do now too old be help. Tell carer leave me alone lock in bedroom not help anymore.

I not have communication. I not have help. I think I bad what am.

all life be abuse. I not know I be abuse until I forty. I not have word what happen me. All know do meltdown. Bite self. Hit self. Throw thing. Anything try control scare world.

I live all life isolation alone. I grow be dog. I understand dog. I know dog. I not know I person. I not know how be around person.

listen autistic learn not bad what I am. Listen autistic help get communication and hear me my way. Listen autistic understand what abuse and why meltdown.

I am 41 still not feel safe. I could had better life. I could be tell child ok my different brain. I could know word early. I could meet other same like me.

autistic are speak. All speak with word. With voice. With AAC. With behaviour. Every is speak own way. Are you listening?

when listen to autistic abuse be stop. When listen to autistic learn why meltdown. When listen to autistic get communication with everyone. When listen to autistic bring big change.

listen to autistic why I alive. All life have worth. I not speak today if not listen autistic.

autistics are speaking. It time you listen.

Disability, Social

Friendship

hello. I been upset about some things for a while and shutdown. Make me not any energy to do anything.
I not have friend offline and very lonely. I want know people but hard make friendship.
people say online thing like zoom make more accessible for them. It not for me. I not be include those things. I can’t understand many speaking and I not fast using communication device and sound communication device make bad. If not I can use device typing and time make message I not part the group.
too many thing make me not have friend and I upset about it. I don’t understand why people bad with me. I never be understand many thing. It shouldn’t be so hard accept person disabilities autistic non-binary queer trans and many more thing.
sometimes I meet person then never see or talk me again but never tell why. What I do so bad that never want know me?
I tired.
if want be friend talk me or come Facebook group or discord chat.
good night

communication, Disability

Not say smart

sometimes people see my communication device and how well I use it and get excited about it. I don’t like that.

it great be positive about my way communicating but it make me uncomfortable when so big reaction.

I get nervous and then talk little. And sometimes they look at what I’m writing on my screen. Don’t do that. I will stop talking. If you not my safe person I won’t use device if been watched.

my communication device is my voice. It is a part of me. Just like you don’t touch wheelchair you don’t touch device. There private things on my device. It’s made and edited just for me and how I like and understand best. No one have communication device same as my words. Be make how they like their one best. That how talk faster.

when people look my screen make me freeze. I can’t communicate anymore and then feeling trapped and make big meltdown.

also I don’t like be say so smart because using device and sometimes I fast. I don’t say you so smart because you can use mouth words. Don’t tell me anything of smart or dumb. It not good say. You don’t know how hard work take learn or how long. This fast for me because try many many then find right one me use. If this your only voice you learn and make fast too.

people value not in how intellect have. It not good this anyway. Not matter everyone valuable just be person alive. When say you smart take away how long and hard many working just be same. I’m not smart I work hard learning and many many meltdown frustrate when can’t understand what mean. A lot help need for stay alive. I not able anything no care help.

better tell about what did and how much work do not say so smart. Don’t do that make chest hurt.

good night