today is birthday

it lonely

people celebrate thing I never had

many say autistic not care this things


some don’t

I care

it matter because never have

because something special to other people but I not know why

how can understand something never have if not explain


very few remember birthday

few that remember be nice not upset talk about too much

it just another day


other day was four years since have stroke

four year ago was in hospital

if not covid I be hospital now


everything hard

I alone

I not understood

I sad and tired


all want is see my love

be in arms again

sleep next to


nothing feel safe


Keep Going

I don’t know what to say. It is hard. My life has changed in big ways. I can’t do many things I used to. I try not to sleep. I don’t know I will wake up. I want to live.
I have dreams. I have goals. I am a person.
I don’t like be inside. I don’t like be in bed not moving pain. This not the life I want but it the life I have now and it still worth more.
I have stories to tell. I want world to know world to see.
I don’t want be another number lost and forgotten.
everyday I am calling from my heart see me hear me don’t let me die don’t let me die please please don’t let me die.
I want to see my loves. I hold hope. even if others can’t.
I am here. I won’t go without a fight. I will leave things on fire just like I have been all my life.

if you still here even if you can’t believe know this. I think you are extraordinary amazing. You matter you are worth the world. I hold hope in me for me for you for everyone. I will carry in me the beauty. You are loved. You are important. You are valuable.

keep going a second a minute a day. Keep going.


Written with Unity 144

autism, communication, Disability, Social

I am alone

I alone
this world not made for me
I not fit anywhere
I try so hard
I use words I not understand
nobody understand me
it not my language
I am watching from the outside
people say we welcome you
I still feel lost alien
nowhere I can be all of me
I not smart everyone think I understand I don’t
I am alone
this world not for me
I tired I lonely
friend so hard make
I can’t fight anymore
it breaks me
I am alone



yesterday I was at archery and someone was talking about autism. They said autistic show no emotion. This is wrong and makes me mad. I’m autistic. I show emotions.

I show in my body. I move and scream and flap and more.

then they say I’m not like that kid that boy don’t smile and you do. That also makes me mad. I am like them.

I am older and been made to pretend I normal like neurotypical person. I’m not.

What smile means for me is different to what smile means for neurotypical.

Smile doesn’t mean happy for me. Face expression is different for me. I don’t like smile or laughing because people think I’m being happy.

One day when I was child I break ankle and I laughing and laughing. People think I’m OK because I’m laughing but I not okay.

I didn’t understand how emotion works I still don’t understand emotions but I was forced to show things I don’t feel or understand and then I look like I’m happy or okay when everything maybe is terrible and leaving me suffering.

I’m different to the kid because I been made do things that hurt me for everyone neurotypical be more comfortable but I’m not comfortable.

I’m angry and hurting and makes people think they know me and they don’t.

I’m older and had different life but I know autism and I can say autism is like this so listen.

Just because older don’t mean different.

How many adults you know that same as kids?

If I see kid and say but you not like them you can drive is it right to you?

Don’t treat autism different just because ages different. We know we understand we can help.