Disability, Uncategorized

Grief

friends are hard to keep
I do not sleep I do not sleep
my loneliness runs deep
you in my heart i do keep

many many i have lost
are you not sad im asked
but at what cost
I grieve and try to hold on

I do not show what I feel the same
the pain inside a burning flame
grieve is not something I can do

friends are hard to keep
I do not sleep I do not sleep
my loneliness runs deep
you in my heart i do keep

many many i have lost
are you not sad im asked
but at what cost
I grieve and try to hold on

I do not show what I feel the same
the pain inside a burning flame
grieve is not something I can do
while starving struggling I am too

Disability

trust

Content Warning – Talk of abuse

I live in a world where I’m expected to trust everyone. I have to have support workers in my home and therapists and more. I don’t get to have a home like other people. privacy not something I get the privilege to having.

all this people is strangers for I and I expected to trust with nothing for I see can be trust.

this not ok to me. I huge abuse all life. I not trust many. I not going trust people not know long times. Sometimes care do bad things and I can’t like. I trust break once I never trust again. All time people show I going be use and take advantage of. I not understand many what people do.

care talk I like I baby. I hate it. I not baby.

need help do everything not matter. I adult talk I like adult. Not matter play toy. Not matter need formula drink. Not matter all help need. I still always adult. I still person own think and feel. When talk I like I baby you saying I not equal. You saying I less. You saying you have power and control over I and take I right to choice and control I life.

you take and take and make I upset then make I meltdown then you say meltdown hurt self you can’t choice when you why meltdown. This not fair to anyone.

I communication get bad. Sometimes can’t communicate. You not see other way communicate. Only listen using word. Word not everything. Word your way not I way. You not see body and stim and different way then say not communicate. I say you not communicate. You only want you way.

you want I be trust then you do work see communicate change how talk I. Stop make I do many work make you comfortable. You be uncomfortable and communicate way understand for I. I tired push all time push push and be treat baby like not respect. Start respect I and do better.

I should be ability communicate way best I not best for you.

good night.

communication

we are art

15/11/20 6:27AM

we paint the world
with words
with colours
with movement

our words in many forms
text symbol picture sign
colour in art clothes craft home
movement in dance sport stims

our stims are our words
our colours
our dance

sometimes sad
sometimes happy
we are art

we are different
we are the same
we are beautiful wonderful creator
of our world

we are the dance
we are the paint
we are art

by Jay
Written with Unity 144

communication, Disability, Social

questions

Content warning : talk of abuse

09/11/20 3:44PM

hello. I get question sometimes people ask. I be answer some when I can. I still learning words on communication device everyday learn new but take many repeat to know them.

sometimes I write these blog post and people think I talking about them. When I write something it because happen many time me and remember from many many time. I can be hurt once and nobody know because take long long time be say.

if you think I write about you what you doing so bad I write it? not have wrote about my partners on this because not like private be take.

so ask you why think I do about you? And if worry I say about you what you doing so bad to me?

some have ask name the cult I was in that taken me and name tribe was take from. I not going answer that it put me in dangerous if people stranger knowing. I have stay safe. Don’t do this asking me about that. It rude ask and same rude ask about what happen to person. Talk my trauma when I ready and I have picture word to say it.

I not have word many thing still. My language is little and slow and learn more and more when can.

autism, communication

Don’t tell me feeling

don’t tell me what I feel. I had someone tell me I am happy. I not be happy very long time. I not like be tell what I not. You not know what in my head. I not face expression like person think.

other day I get hurt bad. When people hurt be cry or something show face people know is hurting. I was hurt be laugh and laugh. I not do same people not know I bad can’t show face expression.

sometimes be ask how you feeling. I hate hate this question. I don’t know what feeling most time. When feeling something is big strong feel. I not know happy sad what is? I don’t understand. It hard I not even know what thirsty hungry feel like.

I know what things make body doing this different what people say feeling is. I feel flappy win archery. I feel rocking when not like someone.

I not like be ask feeling. I hate be tell what I feel. I is me only I know me and what feel.